24 started with a heartbreak. the kind that hurt so bad that i thought i would die. it saw broken bottles, a trip to ER, abuse in its evilest forms, and a mace fight in an apartment in the middle of Texas.
24 saw me mourn. Loss of a woman i said i loved. and of a man i was scared to say that i…
Birthday Letter- 26
A brilliant woman once wrote, “there are years that ask questions and years that answer.” 25 was both for me. It was too much, too heavy, too harsh. It was a year of the world asking me questions I had no answers to. Year of the world answering questions I had never intended to ask.
25 taught me of limits.
I am not as strong as I used to be.My heroes are not as strong as I wish them to be.Hard work does not always pay.Sometimes the system beats you down while you try hard to fight it.People you love leave. So does you luck.
25 felt like mountains on my shoulder. Broke me down, but only almost.
I was blessed with an opportunity to go back home. Visit places in Nepal I had never seen, and revisit places I have been seeing in my dreams since forever. It was like discovering old photographs of your lover, and being reminded why you love her so damn much. Nepal is beautiful! And I have yet to find words to tell the world what I feel for her.
I reunited with the woman who in my memories is responsible for saving my childhood. And with the woman who continues to share her light with me, and love me like I am her own. And then with strangers who quickly became part of my description of home. Under starlit sky, every night, we sang and danced and celebrated and mourned and made promises of coming back to that, and to each other again, soon.
Strange, how I was blessed with that opportunity to travel thousands of miles away home. It was as if the Universe knew that 25 was going to be difficult. She knew, and I do too now, that there are times when you need strength only your motherland can give you. I am convinced now that there is a certain magic that only Nepal knows of. It is the same magic that has kept me from letting 25 crush me completely.
That and some more.
Friends at Clark and in Worcester who have made my graduate school experience less painful. Eat together, celebrate each other, have hangovers, share our accents and our adventures in this foreign culture…I wonder if they realize how they are the essence of my resistance and community pride…that they give air to the very politics of mine that sound “too boring” to them. I am grateful to you.
All the jobs I have that help me get by. It is difficult but necessary. And I bow down to all the full time students who juggle school and many works, exhausting jobs, minimum wage jobs, jobs that hurt your bones when you get home, jobs that are left for black and brown students… I want them to know that I have survived this only because I know of them, I have learned from them and their stories, and they inspire me. I am grateful.
Old friends and chosen family in North Carolina who have helped me stay in school. For trusting me with their money enough to invest in my education. I hope they know that they are the reasons why I did not quit, in spite of wanting, many, many times. I owe it to them, to finish this, and to finish this gloriously. I am grateful to you.
New friend who continues to be my favorite blessing these days. For inspiring me, for encouraging me, for bringing smiles to me all day,for rescuing me every day, for not letting me give up on faith, for loving me so well that I am starting to forget how painful last year has been. I am so grateful.
I don’t know what 26 will be like. But I am giving it a shot. In spite of 25, and because of 25.
I pray that the year brings me my health back. That my bones get to rest a little bit. That I fall in love with life again. And that the Universe treats me kinder this year, like she used to.
I hope that 26 continues bringing me questions and answers, but that I also have strength to resist them for breaking me down.
Happy New year to me!